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Purpose in the Pain

Blue Baby Syndrome

My youngest son, Patrick, recently had a birthday. As I contemplated this special day, I was taken back to the day of his birth. Although Patrick is a grown man now, that day and the days to follow are forever etched into my mind. 

What should have been a joyous day with baby snuggles and congratulations all around quickly became a time of uncertainty, pain, sadness – and separation. 

You see, as a premature baby, Patrick had ‘Blue Baby Syndrome’ at birth. He had to be resuscitated. It was terrifying. All the hustle and bustle in the room over concern and extra care for my son made my head swim. I was utterly distraught. 

And then – my new, tiny, helpless little boy was whisked away from my arms and airlifted to a hospital 6 hours away. 

As I had complications during the delivery as well, I was given medication to make me rest. 

Lost and Devastated

However, when I woke up, I felt lost and devastated all over again. Where was everyone? Anyone? 

I woke up to no doctor, nurse, no husband to comfort me – and most unbearable of all – no son held tightly in my arms. Despite all the noise of the hospital around me, I felt entirely isolated and abandoned. 

The next few days and weeks were a blur, with Patrick hours away and Tim trying his best to care for our family and me. Yet, despite the sadness, we did our best to keep our little family together. 

What came next, I could never have imagined. I started a support group because of the challenging circumstances surrounding Patrick’s birth. God gave me the vision to help other parents who would go through birth stories like mine. I held their hands, cried with them, comforted them, and assured them that with much prayer and medical support, they and their babies were going to be ok.

Pain Birthed Purpose

God stretched me so far out of my comfort zone! I met with the March of Dimes Board of Directors to seek financial support for my organization. I created training materials for medical professionals, ensuring other mothers wouldn’t wake up alone, afraid, and left in the dark – feeling helpless. 

Amid my birth experience with Patrick, I couldn’t see a purpose for my pain. But, as I allowed the Lord to use my pain and experience, I found my purpose. 

For Such A Time As This

This reminds me of one of my favorite Bible stories, the story of Queen Esther. Esther didn’t understand the uncertain and frightening situation God had called her to. But she understood she was created ‘for such a time as this.’ So she allowed her pain and challenges to be used for a purpose greater than herself. And she saved her people. 

While you and I may not have a purpose quite like Esther’s, we can undoubtedly learn – as I did – that through our pain comes purpose.

As I consider the days surrounding our baby boy’s birth, I can see the hand of God in my life. The purpose in my pain. He let me be the hands and feet of Jesus to others – because of my pain.

And if you seek Him in your struggles and allow Him to work in you through the pain, He will also lead you to your calling and purpose.

And who knows but that you have come to your royal position for such a time as this? 

Esther 4:14

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Betrayal

Grief And Betrayal

I was touched recently while reading a daily devotion. It was one that I read daily, it is written by Bob Gass Ministry. This day was about Healing for Your Grief.

“He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” Ps 147:3 The Lord didn’t promise to protect us from pain and loss but to bring us through.

Wow, wasn’t that the truth about betrayal? The Lord never promised that my marriage would be free from betrayal, I had that expectation. So, when betrayal occurred in my marriage, I needed to trust in the Lord’s promise that he would bring me through. But did He expect me to sit and wait to do nothing? I don’t believe so; I had to take steps that would aid me in my healing. When someone has been betrayed, they need to walk through. But what exactly are they walking through? It’s the stages of grief; there has been a death: a death of a dream, a marriage and a life.

Shock and Denial

Learning of Tim’s affair, I went into shock. I was numb. And though I don’t remember much of those first few weeks, I do remember feeling like I was in a fog. I didn’t feel connected to myself or anyone else. Day after day, I felt like I was living an out-of-body experience. I did see what I was doing, but I didn’t feel connected to the body that was doing them.

Denial was a huge piece because this couldn’t be real, it couldn’t be happening to me. Surely, my husband would not have done such a thing. I just knew that Tim couldn’t have an affair. He would never be able to have an affair. No, not my husband! All denial. How long did I stay there? Who knows, at the time it seemed like eternity. Some days, I may have moved out of it, but then something would happen and I would be pulled back in.

I often operated in several stages at the same time. I would be engulfed with pain. At times, I could barely stand because the pain consumed me. From there I would move to this anger that was so deep that it I boiled out of me. It was in every space within me and would ooze out of me. I could not contain it I would go from a place of pain so deep I couldn’t get out of bed to anger so intense that, if ignited, it could burn a forest in seconds.

Moving Through Betrayal

How did I move through the pain of betrayal? Well, I had to place one foot in front of the other and move. There were certain steps I had to take to help me walk through. That is what I would like to share.

1) I turned to others for counsel and compassion. I didn’t isolate myself; instead I called one of my very good Godly friends. I needed to put others around me that would compassionately give me Godly counsel – someone I could talk with and release all that I was carrying. This act helped me to feel loved and gave me the reassurance that I was not alone. Sharing with my friend was a healing act.

D.E.A.R

2) I had to take care of myself, even when I didn’t want to. I had to apply the D.E.A.R.. acronym, Drink, Eat, Exercise and Rest. This was hard. I had a pastor and counselor who saw, within days of learning of Tim’s infidelity, who both said to me, “Diana, don’t forget to eat”. “Who cares about food?” was my thought. Truth is that we need strength and nourishment to get through.

I had to learn to eat and drink when I didn’t feel like it. I was running on empty, as sleep would evade me. My mind went 24/7 with obsessive thoughts. I had to work hard to learn to turn off the thoughts.

One way I did this was to try to replace my thoughts by moving to more pleasant thoughts or at least less hurtful thoughts. Finally, I recognized that exercise was a release and it felt good. For me I would go for walks. During my walks I could think, talk out loud and release some of the negativism that was controlling me.

Acceptance

3) I had to accept my loss. With time it became apparent that I would have to accept my loss. My husband had had an affair; he was not the loyal and faithful husband I had imagined I had. Our marriage was no longer the pure marriage I dreamed of and expected. It was time for me to accept and move beyond the past that I had could not change.

Until I had gone through the initial stages of grief my heart wasn’t prepared to walk through the final stage that would lead to the breakthrough for healing. Looking back on my healing I can see the footprints of God and how he was patiently walking me through each step. All while he was preparing me for surrendering, the final stage of healing. It was in surrendering I would accept and see hope. By surrendering to God, I could feel the assurance of my Father and I knew that I would be O.K.

Take The Steps

As I write this, I wonder how many people out there are stuck in the stages of grief and do not know how to move on. My heart acts to think of others who are living in denial, pain, anger, depression, and loneliness. I want to reach out to them all and offer them the knowledge and wisdom that there is hope, they can get through, and they too will be O.K.

So, if you are on the journey of healing from infidelity, I want to encourage you to take the steps. Place one foot in front of the other and slowly walk through the healing process. You are not alone.

If you are walking the path of recovery from betrayal, I’d like to invite you to join the private Broken and Beautiful Facebook group. We are a group of women in the same boat, with various outcomes, who help and encourage each other along the way.

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Habits

Habits Woman with coffee and Bible

Habits change into character.  – Ovid

Whether we like it or not, our days are full of habits. They can be good habits … or they can be bad habits. Yes – we all have those, too. Some patterns are thought-out, and others come so instinctively they’re second nature to our daily routine. 

Take a minute and think about your morning routine. What’s the first thing you do when your feet hit the floor? Do you head to the bathroom and brush your teeth or make a line straight for the coffee maker to get the first cup of life-giving caffeine brewing? Whichever way you start the day – that’s a habit. 

What habits in your life would you like to change? 

According to Medical News Today, breaking a bad habit can take anywhere from 18-250 days.  That feels a little overwhelming. But here’s the good news: you don’t have to do it alone. When we set our hearts and mind on a positive change and allow God to help us do the work, we can create new and better habits for ourselves and our marriage. 

As we worked through Tim’s affair and the aftermath, our daily habits and mindsets toward each other needed to transform. Drastically! We could no longer take each other or our marriage for granted. Instead, we cultivated mindful and healthy habits that, over time, led to restoration and healing in our marriage. While it took very conscious action and effort from each of us, it was worth any number of days to break the old habits and develop new patterns that would lead us to a much higher level of satisfaction and contentment in our marriage.

As you look at your daily habits and patterns, take the time (no matter how many days!) to embrace and take steps toward the habit changes you need to make. Romans 12:2 tells us to not be conformed to this world but be transformed by the renewing of our mind. 

Do you tend to be impatient with your spouse? Start a habit of slowing down and practicing pause and patience. Has anger caused distance in your marriage? Take a moment and breathe before responding to your spouse. With time, practice, and effort – habits can change.

Allow God to shift your habits and patterns, and your mindset (renewing of our minds) toward those habits. Then resolve to make the change. Your spouse and your marriage will thank you for it.

Romans 12:2

Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.

 

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Leaning Into Our Healer vs. The Healing

Jehovah Rapha. He is the Lord who heals.

 

When you are in a season of unknowns, a season of pain, where do you look for help? As we are walking a difficult journey, we can become so intently focused on our healing that we forget about our Healer. Instead, we focus on the wilderness and the seemingly endless trek back to wholeness.

While leaning into your healing journey is crucial, it’s vital to your path to seek the Healer – Jehovah Rapha, the One who heals. 

Psalm 147:3 tells us, “He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” This verse shows that He will heal you wholly, from your broken heart and spirit all the way to physical wounds. He is the God of complete healing, and He wants to pull you out of the pain, restore you, and refresh your weary soul.

How long has it been since you’ve felt His peace wash over you, bringing comfort and love and quenching your spirit?

The Bible reminds us over and over of His faithfulness, love, and healing – for you:

 

“The Lord gives sight to the blind, the Lord lifts up those who are bowed down, the Lord loves the righteous.”

Psalms 146:8

 

He will lift your head, heart, and spirit as you seek healing.

 

“This what the Lord, the God of your father David, says: ‘I have heard your prayer and seen your tears; I will heal you.'”

2 Kings 20:5

 

He sees you, and He knows the depth of your pain. This verse is a promise of His healing!

 

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.”

Matthew 11:28

 

You don’t have to strive. You only need to go to Him, and He will give you rest (in your heart, mind, and body). 

 

As you travel the path of your healing process, you can lean into these verses for peace and comfort. But more importantly – trust in the Healer. There you’ll find quiet and calm for your worn-out soul.

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Chosen

For such a time as this…

You Are Chosen

I just love the story of Esther. A queen – beautiful, strong, and proud – and unique. However, Esther didn’t always understand how God could use her to save her people. 

You see, Esther was chosen. Despite unknown and even dangerous circumstances, Esther decided to lean into her faith and step into the calling God had chosen just for her. 

My dear friend, you are chosen too. 

What If?

And what if:

  • Like Esther, you could genuinely believe God chose you. He did.

Jeremiah 1:5 tells us, “Before I formed you in the womb I knew you,

and before you were born I consecrated you…” 

He knew you before you were even created.

  • You could comprehend how great God’s love is – for you.

And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is. – Ephesians 3:18
Deeper than the deepest ocean, higher than the highest mountain. His love is greater.

  • You know He will always choose you.

You did not choose Me, but I chose you and appointed you … – John 15:16

He chooses you. 

Chosen Through Pain and Healing

While Tim and I were walking out our healing journey after his betrayal, I came to understand – much like Esther – I was chosen, too. The pain was real, and the hurt felt never-ending some days. But through my heartbreak, God showed me that I would help other women through their difficulties and walk alongside them in their healing journey. He chose me. 

And He has chosen you. While our stories may not be quite like Esther’s, God can and will use our brokenness, even when we may not see a way through. 

You are chosen and dearly loved, and He cares about the depth of your pain. I pray you will feel His very real and abiding presence today.

I will be glad and rejoice in Your unfailing love, for You have seen my troubles, and You care about the anguish of my soul. (Psalm 31:7)

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Power of a Word

The Bible tells us the power of a word in no uncertain terms. 

Words According to the Bible

Right out of the Book of Proverbs 18 (v.21), we read:

Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruits.

Words aren’t something we necessarily give frequent thought to, let alone pause and intentionally decide upon. 

A Resolution Or WOTY?

Many of us are resolution-makers and goal-setters, bright and early at the beginning of a new year. For quite some time, that was me, too: I would choose a goal and hope and pray to have enough steam to pursue the goal all year. However, as we all know, resolutions don’t always work long-term!

So I decided to change it up. Now, I choose a Word of the Year (WOTY!). It just made sense to me. By selecting a word (or sometimes a couple of words!), I find it’s much simpler and more effective to maintain an area of focus for myself. It’s an easy, daily reminder of what’s important to me. I don’t have to feel guilty if I fall off the resolution bus; I have my word for the year!

I like to review my previous year’s successful and not-so-successful endeavors, and my WOTY will often reveal itself through this process. In seeking a word, I dig deep and allow the Lord to work in my heart. It feels like a natural extension of where my heart is and where I should focus for the upcoming year.

Intentional Practice

I’ve found that discovering your word is an intentional practice. Take time and step away from your daily busyness, reflect on where you’ve been, and envision where you want to go. Then listen. Be deliberate about your listening and reflecting. Finally, take the time to pray and ask God for direction in choosing your word.

Once you’ve settled on a word, write it down and reflect again. Can you commit to this word for the entire year? Unlike a New Year’s Resolution, which tends to fizzle out quickly, a Word of the Year can bring intentionality all year long – and sometimes, it rolls right on through to the next! 

Once you’ve worked through the process and discovered your word, write it down and post it where you can see it – in multiple places! In your office, on your bathroom mirror, on the refrigerator. Give yourself visual reminders of your word, and repeat your word often. 

Tracking Your Words

If this is your first time choosing a WOTY, I encourage you to find a place to track your words for each year. I have a running list of my words over the years, and it’s a blessing to see how God has brought me through and then to the next thing; all weaved into my words of the year!

2023 is unique for me. Rather than a WOTY, God gave me a phrase of the year: peacefully scared. Isn’t that a lovely thought? Even in the midst of situations that would typically cause fear in me – I choose to stand in faith and receive His peace. Over everything. When things look out of control from the outside, I can remain peacefully scared in His presence. 

Please Share Your Word

How about you? What God-inspired or insightful word have you chosen for your year?

We’d love to hear the 2023 word (or words) you chose and why! 

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Life Is Still Beautiful

It’s a Wonderful Life. If you’ve seen this classic Christmas film, you no doubt walked away feeling uplifted and encouraged about life. But maybe your real life isn’t feeling so picturesque right now, and you’re wondering just how to get back to that wonderful, peaceful place. 

Life can still be beautiful, even in the pain and the mess.

But how, you ask? Here are a few tips that might help you find some glimpses of the loveliness that is your life.

  • Cultivate a grateful heart

When we are stuck in our own stuff, it’s hard to see past the discouraging things in our lives. But – the hope and joy that will come with a shift toward a grateful heart can change things! Take the time to write down at least one thing each day for which you’re thankful. Start small each day, and watch your grateful list grow!

  • Do your best to avoid a negative attitude

I know it’s not easy! And it won’t mean rainbows and sunshine every day. But intentionally working toward a positive rather than negative attitude can help you refocus and move toward seeing the beauty in your life.

  • Pursue your calling and purpose

God has called you. You are chosen, and He has plans for you. What passions has He laid on your heart? Follow your God-given passions relentlessly and watch the pain fade as you affect those around you for the good. Your life’s purpose will become more apparent. 

  • Help others

You can find fulfillment and happiness by helping others – especially during the holiday season. When we are the hands and feet of Jesus through our care for others, our problems become dimmer, less ‘big.’

  • Give yourself grace

Understand that this is a season. While doing your best as you walk through this challenging time in your life, allow yourself the same grace you would extend to others. And know you are never alone! He goes before you, and promises to be with you. Hebrews 13:5 reminds us: ‘Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.’

  • Remember, you have hope!

Because of the baby boy sent to us over two-thousand years ago and His great love for us – there is hope!

I pray during this Christmas season, you can find that life is still beautiful. 

“For to us a child is born, to us a son is given, and the government will be on his shoulders. And he will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.” Isaiah 9:6

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Being Intentional

Over the years, as I’ve gained experience and wisdom, one of my goals has been to be more intentional with my life. Deliberate daily actions, from my prayer life to my relationships and thoughts. And especially in my healing. You see, when pain and hurts are left unchecked and not processed, they can grow larger and larger, allowing bitterness and unforgiveness to take hold. So I’ve decided to intentionally take steps in my own healing. 

Devastated

When Tim’s affair came to light, I was completely and utterly devastated.

I was left feeling unprotected, vulnerable, and unworthy. The decision was entirely mine: begin taking daily steps toward healing or allow the heartbreak to take over my life. I chose to be intentional about my healing so our marriage could be restored. I can’t say it was easy, this decision of moving forward and facing the pain. It was indeed a journey, full of down and discouraging days – but also full of self-discovery and drawing nearer to God.

Being Intentional In Acceptance

The process began with acceptance. Although it hurt, I had to accept the reality of Tim’s affair. This first step can be a doozy, especially when our hearts would rather deny the facts – but it’s necessary to move forward. I needed to make changes and do things differently than I had been doing. 

I needed to get unstuck and find my value again outside the circumstances. When feelings of unworthiness crept in, I would hold fast to God’s love for me and continue to look to Him for my comfort, peace, and worth. I reached out for help from friends, counselors, and coaches. I leaned on them for wisdom, discernment, and support. 

Intentional Healing

By intentionally seeking healing, my heart and mindset were changed – and our marriage survived and began thriving again. 

Are you in a season of pain and hurt? One that feels as if it will never change or improve?

You can begin walking toward healing by starting with intention. 

Accept the circumstance for what it is, and then choose what needs to change in your life. Hold tight to God’s promises and His love over you. Then take action – intentionally. 

Psalm 139:13-14

For you formed my innermost parts;

    you knitted me together in my mother’s womb. 

  I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.

  Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.

Diana would welcome a chance to speak with you about your healing — no obligations, no pressure.

Speak With Diana
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Sex and Intimacy

Sex.

(I bet we just caught your attention!)

How do you relate to sex and intimacy in your marriage? Do you and your spouse delight in God’s beautiful plan for physical and emotional connection through sex and share on a deeper level? Or perhaps it’s viewed less as a loving and attached experience and more as a chore – attended to begrudgingly and, unfortunately – without enjoyment. 

God’s intention toward marriage and sex is evident, going all the way back to the very first book of the Bible. Genesis 2:24 (ESV) reads: “Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.” That paints quite a clear picture regarding the inclusion of intimacy with sex. “...hold fast to his wife” and “.. they shall become one flesh.” It’s as if husband and wife, through closeness and affection, unite into one person. 

Song of Songs (or Song of Solomon) is another beautiful example of intimate and connected love, expressed physically between a husband and wife. The relationship’s vision of intimacy and physical passion leaps off the pages; it’s a sexual marriage relationship straight from the heart of God.

But – it doesn’t always turn out that way. When unresolved or painful issues step into the bedroom, intimacy can be cut off, leaving one – or both – partners feeling anything but ‘one.’ Or it may be that you grew up in a home where sex was a taboo subject; therefore thoughts were shaped around the topic of sex long before you could participate or even knew what to ask. Either way, emotional disconnect from your partner can leave much to desire in the arena of sex and intimacy, and the barriers are not always simple to overcome.

The good news is that with intentional effort, intimacy can return. Of course, it will require care, keeping God at the center, placing your spouse’s needs above your own, and seeking outside help if needed. But, it is possible to regain that intimate friendship and physical connection with your spouse. The place that is sacred to only your marriage. 

When we live out sex and intimacy according to God’s plan, we honor His marriage design. And we reap the benefits of a stronger and more connected physical and emotional relationship with our spouse.

Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled. Hebrews 13:4, (ESV)

If you’re struggling with this or any other area, in your marriage, Tim and I would love to come alongside you to coach you to a vibrant, fulfilling relationship.

Learn More Here
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Divine Detours

As I reflect back through the years of my life, I can see how the twists and turns, the ups and downs, were always woven by the hand of God. Some of the paths were straight, some were anything but straight, and there were many divine detours along the way! 

So, what exactly does a divine detour look like? 

We can take ourselves off the course God has for us, and He can still redeem. He will often bring a person into our lives to redirect us or open (or close!) a door when we have been reluctant to let go of that door knob. 

Or, through the choices and actions of another – and no fault of our own, we can find ourselves on detours. These can feel like a never-ending roundabout that keeps us spinning wildly out of control. And yet, He can still redeem. 

What does God do with our detours? 

Ultimately, God will always use our detours for His purposes (ah, there’s the divine!). When we allow Him to walk us through that alternate route – His detour – so that we can see His purpose and plan for our lives. It may not be the easy path or the simple way, but if we allow it, there will always be a lesson to be learned!

When Tim’s affair derailed and fully detoured our marriage, I had to decide. What would I do with the diversion? This wasn’t the path I had envisioned for my life. Would I allow it to keep me headed down the path of bitterness and unforgiveness, or would I allow God to come in and change my heart? I made the choice to allow God to use Tim’s infidelity for His greater purpose. That not only altered the course of our marriage but has also enabled us to help many others through difficult times in their relationships. 

With an open heart and mind, I gained a new perspective on my own marriage and a unique view of the marriage relationship. God grew me in ways I could never have cultivated in my own power. While it certainly was not an easy or enjoyable journey, I can see as I look back down that winding path that God was walking with me through it all and leading me gently. Leading me to a greater purpose than just my own healing. 

God can and will use our detours – both to help us and to help others through them. 

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