The Power of a Word 2023

Many of us are resolution-makers and goal-setters, especially when New Year’s rolls around. So how do you and your spouse work toward a goal or keep your relationship moving forward? 

For quite some time, we were resolution-setters, too. We would choose a goal, hope, pray, and put in the effort. We tried to maintain enough steam to pursue the goal and stay on track all year. However, as you know, resolutions and even the best intentions don’t always have staying power. 

Choosing WOTY As A Couple

So we decided to change it up. Now, we choose a Word of the Year (WOTY). But here’s the critical part: we choose our word as a couple. Together, we decide on an area of focus for our marriage and attach a word to that goal. By selecting a word or even a phrase, we find it’s easier and more effective to maintain. It’s a constant reminder of what’s important to us and our marriage. And a bonus is we don’t have to feel guilty if we fall off the resolution bus; we can always go back to our word for the year and reset our sights on the marital goal.

Our clients shared how intentionally choosing a Word of the Year helped restore their marriage. They were on the brink of divorce – to the point of documents filed and a court date set. But God stepped in and spoke to the wife, telling her not to go through with the divorce. She listened, and she and her husband decided the following January to choose a word of the year and stick to it. They chose the word together the first year after the very close call. It was a regular reminder that neither of them was alone in their fight for their marriage, and in fact, they had another in the middle with them. God was walking them through. 

The following year, they selected the word build. And continued to choose their marriage first, building on the foundation God had already given them. 

Choosing Intentionally

That’s a convincing illustration of the power of a word, isn’t it?

We’ve found the process of discovering your word is an intentional practice. As a couple, take time and step away from your daily busyness, reflect on where your relationship is or has been, and envision how you’d each like it to move forward. Then listen. Be deliberate about your listening and reflecting. Finally and most importantly, take the time to pray and ask God for direction in choosing your word together. Seek Him.

Once you’ve settled on a word, it’s helpful to write it down and reflect again. As a couple, can you truly commit to this word for the entire year? Unlike a New Year’s Resolution, which tends to fizzle out quickly, a Word of the Year can bring intentionality to your marriage all year.

Once you’ve worked through the process together and discovered your word, write it down and post it where it can be seen frequently. In your office, on the bathroom mirror, on the refrigerator. Give yourself visual reminders of your word, and repeat the word to yourself and your spouse often. 

Tracking Your Word Is A Blessing

If this is your first time choosing a WOTY, we encourage you to find a place to track your words year over year. We have a running list of my words over the years, and it’s truly a blessing to see how God has brought us through and kept us moving forward to the next thing. All through the power of a word and a Word of the Year. 

Have you and your spouse chosen a word for this year?

We’d love to hear the 2023 word or phrase you’ve chosen together and why!

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Celebration 2022

Merry almost Christmas! 

It’s time to celebrate Jesus and have cherished time with family and friends. 

But what if things aren’t so merry and bright with your relationship?

We’ve developed some practical tips to help keep you focused on each other and the real reason for Christmas.

  1. Look for the ‘little things’ – and have a heart of gratitude. Even when things are stressful, focus on the small, happy things, and be grateful.
  2. Talk about the reason for the season, and share with friends and family.
  3. Pray together regularly – and make prayer a priority. 
  4. Have you made your list for Santa yet? If not, get it done as soon as possible to reduce stress. 
  5. Discuss your Christmas budget, and agree with your spouse on the amounts to be spent.
  6. Understand and accept that things (and people!) are out of your control. Remind yourself of this fact often.
  7. Mind your busyness! Remember B.U.S.Y. = is Being Under Satan’s Yoke. Slow down. We all know how very quickly time passes – why rush it with busyness?
  8. Prioritize your to-do list for the season. And stick to it!
  9. Surround yourself with friends and family who will support you and your spouse during the holidays. 
  10. Try to remember that your actions and words can hurt your spouse. Don’t let a moment’s stress cause pain for those around you. Take a breath and pause before you speak.

We pray that you can slow down and enjoy each treasured moment this Christmas season. Be intentional about showing extra love to those around you – and always remember the REAL reason for this season!

Merry Christmas, and may you find reasons to celebrate every day this Christmas season. 

“Fear not, for behold, I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people” 
Luke 2:10

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Being Intentional

Over the years, as I’ve gained experience and wisdom, one of my goals has been to be more intentional with my life. Deliberate daily actions, from my prayer life to my relationships and thoughts. And especially in my healing. You see, when pain and hurts are left unchecked and not processed, they can grow larger and larger, allowing bitterness and unforgiveness to take hold. So I’ve decided to intentionally take steps in my own healing. 

Devastated

When Tim’s affair came to light, I was completely and utterly devastated.

I was left feeling unprotected, vulnerable, and unworthy. The decision was entirely mine: begin taking daily steps toward healing or allow the heartbreak to take over my life. I chose to be intentional about my healing so our marriage could be restored. I can’t say it was easy, this decision of moving forward and facing the pain. It was indeed a journey, full of down and discouraging days – but also full of self-discovery and drawing nearer to God.

Being Intentional In Acceptance

The process began with acceptance. Although it hurt, I had to accept the reality of Tim’s affair. This first step can be a doozy, especially when our hearts would rather deny the facts – but it’s necessary to move forward. I needed to make changes and do things differently than I had been doing. 

I needed to get unstuck and find my value again outside the circumstances. When feelings of unworthiness crept in, I would hold fast to God’s love for me and continue to look to Him for my comfort, peace, and worth. I reached out for help from friends, counselors, and coaches. I leaned on them for wisdom, discernment, and support. 

Intentional Healing

By intentionally seeking healing, my heart and mindset were changed – and our marriage survived and began thriving again. 

Are you in a season of pain and hurt? One that feels as if it will never change or improve?

You can begin walking toward healing by starting with intention. 

Accept the circumstance for what it is, and then choose what needs to change in your life. Hold tight to God’s promises and His love over you. Then take action – intentionally. 

Psalm 139:13-14

For you formed my innermost parts;

    you knitted me together in my mother’s womb. 

  I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.

  Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.

Diana would welcome a chance to speak with you about your healing — no obligations, no pressure.

Speak With Diana
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Sex and Intimacy

Sex.

(I bet we just caught your attention!)

How do you relate to sex and intimacy in your marriage? Do you and your spouse delight in God’s beautiful plan for physical and emotional connection through sex and share on a deeper level? Or perhaps it’s viewed less as a loving and attached experience and more as a chore – attended to begrudgingly and, unfortunately – without enjoyment. 

God’s intention toward marriage and sex is evident, going all the way back to the very first book of the Bible. Genesis 2:24 (ESV) reads: “Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.” That paints quite a clear picture regarding the inclusion of intimacy with sex. “...hold fast to his wife” and “.. they shall become one flesh.” It’s as if husband and wife, through closeness and affection, unite into one person. 

Song of Songs (or Song of Solomon) is another beautiful example of intimate and connected love, expressed physically between a husband and wife. The relationship’s vision of intimacy and physical passion leaps off the pages; it’s a sexual marriage relationship straight from the heart of God.

But – it doesn’t always turn out that way. When unresolved or painful issues step into the bedroom, intimacy can be cut off, leaving one – or both – partners feeling anything but ‘one.’ Or it may be that you grew up in a home where sex was a taboo subject; therefore thoughts were shaped around the topic of sex long before you could participate or even knew what to ask. Either way, emotional disconnect from your partner can leave much to desire in the arena of sex and intimacy, and the barriers are not always simple to overcome.

The good news is that with intentional effort, intimacy can return. Of course, it will require care, keeping God at the center, placing your spouse’s needs above your own, and seeking outside help if needed. But, it is possible to regain that intimate friendship and physical connection with your spouse. The place that is sacred to only your marriage. 

When we live out sex and intimacy according to God’s plan, we honor His marriage design. And we reap the benefits of a stronger and more connected physical and emotional relationship with our spouse.

Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled. Hebrews 13:4, (ESV)

If you’re struggling with this or any other area, in your marriage, Tim and I would love to come alongside you to coach you to a vibrant, fulfilling relationship.

Learn More Here
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Communication: How Does It Make Me Feel?

Communication: a process by which information is exchanged between individuals through a common system of symbols, signs, or behavior. That’s Merriam-Webster’s definition. So how do you define communication? Better yet:

Communication in Marriage

How is communication in your marriage?

Most counselors and coaches (including us) agree that communication is foundational to a solid marriage relationship. It’s crucial for each spouse to be able to safely express feelings about a situation or experience – whether positive or negative. Take a moment and think about the last ‘opportunity for growth’ (aka disagreement or argument!) you experienced as a couple. Did your wife believe you would acknowledge her feelings and listen to her?  Did your husband have the space to honestly air his thoughts and concerns – without judgment? 

How do we go about communicating well?

When we express ‘how that makes or made me feel’, we are learning to express our own feelings in a safe way – and in a way that will also protect our spouse from feeling attacked and rushing to the defense mode. By using this communication tool early in the conversation, doors will remain open, rather than walls being built up with ‘you’ statements. 

Scenario One looks a little like this: Husband approaches Wife with the statement, “You always …. (add your own storyline here).” Immediately, Wife feels she’s left with no choice but to defend herself. As a result, communication is shut down from the beginning, leaving no chance for healthy discussion and resolution.

Scenario Two plays out this way: Husband approaches wife Wife with the statement, “That situation made me feel this way.” Wife can now honestly communicate her feelings as well since Husband has opened the door for genuine discussion.

Building Trust

How we relate and communicate is essential to building trust. Most women want to know they are being heard and their feelings to be validated. Typically, men want to know they are valued and heard (as well). 

This rings true on a general relational level as well. Women need love (and to feel loved), and men need respect (and to feel respected). In fact, this comes straight from the Bible. Ephesians 5:33 tells us, “However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.” 

It doesn’t get much more clear than that!

So, the next time an ‘opportunity’ arises, let’s take a moment and remember to safely express ourselves and allow our spouse that same chance. Keep those lines of communication freely moving, and build that strong foundation.

Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil. For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up! Again, if two lie together, they keep warm, but how can one keep warm alone?

Ecclesiastes 4:9-11

If you find that you’re struggling with effective communication in your relationship, we would love to help.

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Personal Style: Understanding You, Understanding Me

Aristotle said, ‘Knowing yourself is the beginning of all wisdom.’ There is much truth to that statement!

In a marriage relationship, the more we understand ourselves, the better we can relate and connect with our spouse. Think about the way God built you:  your habits, traits, and quirks – all the good and the bad –  along with how and especially why you react to things the way you do. This is the key to your personal style. 

It’s also crucial to consider your past hurts and pains. What might be weighing you down and keeping you from moving forward? Or worse, what unresolved offenses have kept home in your heart, keeping you bitter and unforgiving? These, too, will shape your personal style and interactions with your spouse.

Think about your communication approach, which is vital to any relationship, especially within a marriage. And how does that fit (or not!) with your partner’s? If conflict arises in this arena, perhaps it’s time to look at both personality styles and do more profound work.

Are you on the same page with finances? Perhaps you’re the spender, and your spouse is the saver – which will undoubtedly cause friction in a marriage! What has caused you to spend – and conversely – what has caused your spouse to be the saver? Do the hard thought work and learn your patterns and habits around finances. 

When conflict arises in our home, we try to take a step back and assess. If one of us needs a moment (or maybe even a day) to process, the other allows that space. When one spouse needs a hug (personal style), the other will offer that much-needed affection, even in conflict. No, it’s not easy. But it’s worth the effort. We have learned our own, as well as each other’s personal styles. Although we are not perfect every time, we certainly strive to constantly learn of ourselves first and seek knowledge of our spouse’s unique, God-given style. 

Most of all, are you able to accept yourself for the unique individual God created you to be? He has given your personal style to only you, with all your humor, your rugged good looks or beauty and grace, your natural talents, the funny way you snort when you laugh, and your slightly hot temper (which maybe needs a little work!). All of it. When we know, understand, and accept who we are, we can then extend more grace and love when it’s needed.

Understanding our thoughts, emotions, and personal style first is crucial so we can begin to understand our partner’s viewpoint and, in turn, their needs. Learn your personal style, and pursue knowledge of your spouse’s as well. The benefit will you will see is invaluable!

Wired that Way Assessment

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Where There Is A Will There Is A Way

Let’s be honest. Marriage isn’t always the walk in the park or the pretty picture we see painted daily on social media. In fact, marriage can sometimes be downright patience-testing and frustrating. Those days when we would instead tuck our tails and run? We all have them.

But, the decisions we make on those days will ultimately direct the path and even the enduring strength of our relationships.

Studies have shown that in relationships, most expectations are unmet. Why is that, you might ask? Because those expectations have never been expressed. It’s imperative in a healthy relationship to be able to verbalize and communicate expectations. And that goes for both spouses. Listen to your spouse and the desires of their heart. Discuss wants and wishes for the relationship – and then come up with an action plan to ensure each partner’s needs are met. 

Where there’s a will there is a way. 

Now that you have an action plan in place, stick to it; be fiercely determined. Work towards the objective or intention you’ve set together. Let your determination meet your circumstance head-on. Remember that marriage is always a team sport, especially when the going gets rough. And trust us, it will!

As we walked through the aftermath of Tim’s affair, we had our minds set. We were going to get through this painful season – together. No matter what. We had a will, and we had a way. 

Did that make it easy? No way. It meant that we had the desired goal in mind and were determined to keep working together (and separately!) to reach the goal of reconciliation. Even on the ‘tuck and run’ days, we were resolved to bring about the changes we sought. 

What we found on the other side was if we really wanted something, we could do it. We found a way to accomplish it, regardless of the overwhelming obstacles and odds that seemed to be against us at every turn.

So, a little encouragement for your relationship today: learning to find the will and the way can encourage and motivate us and, in turn, our spouses. And isn’t that the purpose of teamwork, after all? 

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Positive Mental Attitudes and Thoughts, Actions, and Emotions

Growing up, most of us heard this from our moms: ‘If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.’ 

What a concept this is. 

Even though a thought forms in your head – it doesn’t have to come out of your mouth! Because we all know – what comes out of our mouths can undoubtedly be hurtful at times, and it may even leave lasting emotional scars.

We like to call this TAE:

  • Thoughts
  • Actions
  • Emotions

Our thoughts lead to our actions. Our actions (whether good or bad) can then lead to our emotions. Have you ever caught yourself at the beginning of a negative thought spiral? One little thought can lead to a misspoken word or a poor action. The negative emotions then follow, affecting the whole of the relationship.

But, we do have a choice (as Mom was always good to point out!)! 

…and to be renewed in the spirit of your minds.. Ephesians 4:23

And we like to call this PMA:

  • Positive
  • Mental
  • Attitude

When we choose a Positive Mental Attitude, perhaps our Thoughts, Actions, and Emotions ‘outcome’ will be much better. 

For example, when we strive to focus on the positive (thoughts) rather than the negative characteristics of our spouse, we will speak encouraging and affirming words to them (actions). This, in turn, will lead to a more connected relationship (emotions). 

When Tim and I have gone through times of struggle, we have had to intentionally choose to maintain our positive mental attitude toward one another. We’ve had to purposefully make choices to tame our thoughts, our actions, and our emotions when they want to run wild. We know it’s not always easy! Have we always gotten it just right? No! But we keep choosing PMA toward each other and in life’s situations. 

And – we will never forget Mom’s sage advice to just not say anything at all if it isn’t nice!

Choose each other first through Positive Mental Attitude and then with your Thoughts, Actions, and Emotions. We promise it’s a daily decision you will never look back and regret.

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Love Is A Verb

Are Relationships Like The Movies?

Don’t we enjoy a good, old-fashioned romantic comedy? Boy meets girl. Boy and girl fall in love and
then maybe run into some trouble. They figure it out, then the boy proposes to girl (always in
quite the grandest of styles!). Next? They get married, and then, of course, they live happily
ever after.

Or do they?

You know it’s not always the rosy picture painted in a romantic comedy if you’ve been in a
relationship. It isn’t all flowers, candy, and hand-holding while strolling the beach with a
gorgeous sunset as the backdrop.

Love Is A Verb

While these are all beautiful things, love over time is so much more. Love is a verb. It’s an active
experience, and it’s a choice.

It’s not enough to assume your spouse knows you love them. Putting the ring on is certainly not
the end! It’s not even enough to just say the words. Actions and commitment speak. Loudly.
Once the honeymoon phase wears off, daily intentional acts are vital to the relationship.

Showing love through the act of washing dishes

What are some tangible ways to remind your spouse of your love? For example, remembering
the way he enjoys his cup of coffee, sitting through (part of anyway!) the football game and
cheering on his favorite team, helping her with the dishes, even though it’s not the most
enjoyable task, taking care of the kids so she can take a bubble bath – these are all little things
that go so far in showing your spouse how very much you love them each day.


Love With Purpose

If your spouse appreciates physical touch, giving hugs and holding their hand will fill their
tank. Do they need to hear affirming words? Let them know how much you appreciate
everything they do to take care of you and the home. Maybe your spouse needs some quality
time with you in this oh-so-busy world. Make the time – purposefully.

When we show love to our spouse through words and ongoing actions, it sets a rock-solid
foundation for the relationship.

So today, will you do more than just ‘feel the feelings’ toward your spouse – will you take the
actions that demonstrate real love to your spouse?

1 John 3:18
Dear children, let us not love with words or speech but with actions and in truth.

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Let’s Go Deeper

“Repetition is the mother of learning, the father of action, which makes it the architect of accomplishment.” – Zig Ziglar

As children, we are taught concepts over and over until we ‘get’ them. Statistics show repetition enhances our growth & learning ability. However, once we cross the threshold into adulthood, the notion of repetition for more significant learning typically ceases. Aside from attending college or trade schools for more formal education, we’re typically left to gain knowledge of valuable and important things by, well, just doing. 

Relationships can be highly impacted, either positively or negatively, by repetitive actions. 

I don’t know about you, but I certainly didn’t attend a Relationships 101 class in school!

So, where can we begin to bridge the learning and growth gap?

We can start by recalling and then taking the crucial step of implementing the tools and tips that we have learned about. 

Let’s talk about a few of those:

  • Communication – key in every marriage!
  • Enjoy quiet moments together
  • Celebrate one another, and celebrate your love
  • Believe in yourself – and believe in your partner
  • Ask the hard questions 
  • Be willing to do the work
  • Pray
  • Most importantly: Keep Christ at the center

When we are willing to repeat the actions that will positively impact our marriage and our spouse, we will see change. 

Another benefit? God will honor the efforts in your repetition! Sure, there will be days when you’re ‘just not feeling it’. Keep those efforts toward a great marriage going!

We have walked the hard road of betrayal together and seen God hold us together. Through daily, repetitive steps of intentional forgiveness, grace, and choosing love, God was at the center – fighting for our marriage. 

What purposeful steps can you begin taking (and repeating!) today for your marriage?

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